Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

632 - ‘Oh my God,’ Sorcha goes. ‘Did you lock Brian in the attic?’

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The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

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632 - ‘Oh my God,’ Sorcha goes. ‘Did you lock Brian in the attic?’

Fri, 23 Oct 2026
631 - ‘Drop the Carmela Soprano act, Rosser,’ Ronan goes when I ask him if Sorcha’s ring was stolen

Fri, 16 Oct 2026
630 - Sorcha’s old dear singing sounds like a fox with its head trapped in a gate

Fri, 09 Oct 2026
629 - ‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’

Fri, 02 Oct 2026
628 - ‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

Fri, 25 Sep 2026
627 - Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’

Sat, 19 Sep 2026
626 - ‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’

Fri, 11 Sep 2026
625 - At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children

Fri, 04 Sep 2026
624 - ‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’

Wed, 02 Sep 2026
623 - Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup

Fri, 21 Aug 2026
622 - ‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’

Fri, 07 Aug 2026
621 - ‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’

Fri, 31 Jul 2026
620 - The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

Mon, 20 Jul 2026
619 - ‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

Fri, 26 Jun 2026
618 - ‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

Sat, 20 Jun 2026
617 - ‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

Fri, 12 Jun 2026
616 - We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

Fri, 05 Jun 2026
615 - ‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

Fri, 29 May 2026
614 - ‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

Fri, 22 May 2026
613 - ‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

Fri, 15 May 2026
612 - ‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

Fri, 08 May 2026
611 - I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

Fri, 01 May 2026
610 - ‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

Fri, 24 Apr 2026
609 - ‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

Fri, 17 Apr 2026
608 - ‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

Fri, 10 Apr 2026
607 - We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

Fri, 03 Apr 2026
606 - ‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

Fri, 27 Mar 2026
605 - ‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

Fri, 20 Mar 2026
604 - ‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

Fri, 13 Mar 2026
603 - ‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

Fri, 06 Mar 2026
602 - ‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

Fri, 27 Feb 2026
601 - ‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

Fri, 20 Feb 2026
600 - The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

Fri, 13 Feb 2026
599 - ‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’

Fri, 06 Feb 2026
598 - ‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’

Fri, 30 Jan 2026
597 - ‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’

Fri, 23 Jan 2026
596 - ‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’

Fri, 16 Jan 2026
595 - ‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’

Fri, 09 Jan 2026
594 - ‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’

Fri, 02 Jan 2026
593 - ‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

Fri, 19 Dec 2025
592 - Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

Fri, 12 Dec 2025
591 - The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

Fri, 05 Dec 2025
590 - ‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

Fri, 28 Nov 2025
589 - ‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

Fri, 21 Nov 2025
588 - ‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’

Fri, 14 Nov 2025
587 - ‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’

Fri, 07 Nov 2025
586 - ‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

Fri, 31 Oct 2025
585 - ‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

Fri, 24 Oct 2025
584 - This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

Tue, 21 Oct 2025
583 - ‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

Fri, 10 Oct 2025